Monday, April 13, 2009

It's hard being a superhero

Laura and I trekked through a huge parking lot Saturday. As I was walking past a wide variety of vehicles, it occurred to me: if I were a superhero, and I needed to pick up a car and wallop a supervillain with it, I'd have a problem. There's no good way to pick up a car! You can't grab it by the bumper; that piece of expensive, color-matched plastic will pop right off. You probably couldn't even get enough lift on the bumper to pick the car up high enough to grab the axle. Ditto, any upper part of the frame, or any part of the body. I think my best bet, if I had to whack Masked Menace with a car, would be to pick it up by a wheel, then flip it enough that I could grab the axle. Even then, the axle would probably not deal well with the strain of being used as a handle; pieces would bend or pop, and the resultant wobble would throw my aim off.

Maybe better would be a car with a trailer hitch; while it also wouldn't take the strain of being used as a hand grip, it's at least bolted directly to the frame. I suspect I'd have to swing just right, to not apply to much torque to the frame or the hitch -- maybe grab the hitch, then swing the car straight overhead and drop it on top of the arch-fiend. But swinging it like a giant baseball bat probably wouldn't work.

I think probably the best vehicular villain-basher would be construction equipment. Almost any part of a bulldozer could be used as an effective lever. They're built to take strain from odd angles, so you could grab it by the frame or the bucket or even by a convenient tread-axle and use it to smite evil. Plus, they're heavy and solid; they'd pack one heck of a wallop.

I have to wonder if this train of thought (ooh, train car -- another good weapon!) occurs to most people. It'd be comforting to know it's just me.


Anonymous said...

Wouldn't picking it up with telekinesis and smashing the archvillian repeatedly with it be an easier feat? Less messy I'd suppose.

Jeff Mountjoy said...

Or, if your telekinetic mojo is strong, just bash the villain repeatedly into the car or the ground....